Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Captain’s Log, stardate 9871.1:

The Enterprise recently left routine maintenance at Starbase Zulu Prime. We were unable to… secure proper upgrades for a refurbishment of internal computational arrays. I’ve gone through history logs and identified a region in time and space where the finest IT personnel in the last five hundred years were located. Scotty appears to be of a dying breed, and I fear if he… continues to hit the bottle, there’s a very high likelihood it will hit back.

Back in Time

Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise walked through the elevator doors onto the bridge, said: “Mr. Sulu, take us out,” and immediately took his seat in the captain’s chair.

“Captain, are you sure computer repair in Knoxville TN as can be sourced in the earlier part of the 21st century will be requisite to our needs?”

“It’s… Tennessee, Mr. Spock; the TN is an abbreviation… I’m not exactly sure, but it’s got to be better than those Romulan idiots trying to break my ship— Bones! Have you… administered the vaccines?”

Bones answered over the intercom: “Jim, we’ve got everybody inoculated and ready. I for one am looking forward to a jaunt back to the 21st century. They got some great music in Tennessee, I’ll have to show you my favorite bluegrass tunes from the era.”

“Copy that, Bones.” Kirk turned to Spock: “See? He’s not worried.”

Spock’s eyebrow did its characteristic jump. “Worry does not come into the picture, Captain. I merely find it illogical to warp jump around a star back in time only to source new tech people.”

“Well, perhaps… you haven’t read the dossier on Allevia Technology. When it comes to computer repair in Knoxville TN— I like how you say that, by the by, Spock, it’s fun— when it comes to such repair, there is and hasn’t been better IT for five hundred years. They specialize in a variety of tech specialties, including:

  • Managed Services
  • Tech Support
  • Computer Repair
  • Website Design

…and… many other antiquated solutions we’ll have no use of.”

“It appears you’ve done your homework, Captain.”

“Of course, Mr. Spock. Mr. Sulu, slingshot around the sun like that time we had to save the whales.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Scotty Speaks Up

Scotty jumped on the intercom: “Cap’n! The warp drive willna’ hold much longer! She’ll get us there, but I donna ken how we’ll get back!”

“I’m sure we’ll find a way, Mr. Scot,” Kirk yelled over the time travel special effects, “You gave them transparent aluminum last time, remember?”

“Whass that got tah do with dilithium crystals?!”

Then the enterprise exploded out of deep space, coasted to a stop, and resumed an orbit around Earth. “Mr. Spock?”

“We’ve reached the 21st century, Captain. Circa 2017.”

“Well done. Uhura, contact that place I mentioned providing computer repair in Knoxville TN.”

“Aye, Captain.”

The screen was blank, because they didn’t have talk screens as efficiently in 2017. A voice replied: “Stefan Wilson with Allevia.”

“Mr. Wilson… we’ve… got IT needs, and a Scotsman who needs help with a trans-spacial warp drive.”

The man on the other end of the line snorted. “Okay… well, our offices are open, why don’t you bring your drive on down?”

“Or how about you come on up? Mr. Scott?”

Over the intercom came the Scottish brogue: “Aye, captain. Energize!” And Stefan Wilson’s mind was blown.